While gender-based violence has become a pandemic in South Africa, most women tend to believe this only means physical harm, however, there is so much more to it.
As we observe the 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children from November 25 to December 10, we speak to woman who overcame a mountain of odds.
Speaking to IOL, *Alecia Smith, 35, from Cape Town, explained how she was abused by someone she thought was the love of her life and how she was now on her healing journey.
“When I met him, he was everything to me. He became my best friend and we had the best relationship, everything I always thought it would be," Smith said.
"However, as the years went by things started changing. While we had our ups and downs, nothing could prepare me for what was to come."
She said as the relationship neared the 10-year mark, the couple had grown up together and while life was not easy, she started excelling in her line of work and he did not, causing a rift.
“He lost his job and things fell into a rut. I took it in my stride to let him know that things will be okay. I got us covered. While he always made a way for some money to come in, his attitude changed," Smith said.
"Arguments got more frequent and I was just thinking perhaps it was just his ego because at this time I was flourishing in my job and his friends were so happy, which did not sit well with him."
Things soon got to a point where his comments and snide remarks started hurting her, and while she voiced her concerns he kept telling her she was imagining things and that she had to grow up.
“As time progressed, so did the hurtful comments and derogatory statements. It started eating at me. At times, it was all I could think about," she said.
"Those words started replaying in my head. My self-esteem started to take a knock. My looks, what I wore and my ‘actions’ were mocked. It made me feel even worse."
Smith said she soon broke things off, but months later went back to him because somehow he told her he would change and things would be better. Things were better, but only for a while.
“Giving it another chance was my downfall. Things soon went from bad to worse. I was stuck in a relationship I did not know how to get out of. I tried communicating better. I voiced my displeasure and unhappiness but I was told I was stupid,” Smith said.
She soon reached her boiling point and eventually, she got the courage to leave.
“I spoke in a normal tone but his body language made me feel uncomfortable. I literally thought he was going to strike me. Instead, he threw me out of his house in the pouring rain and without another word, I left. I thought that would be it. But my nightmare had just began,” Smith said.
She started getting about 50 calls in less than 20 minutes. An excessive amount of texts at a time.
“Every text was as vile as ever. I was called every name in the book. I was told I was sleeping around, I had sexually transmitted diseases, I was cheating and it was a long time coming," Smith recalled.
"Things I have confided in him about my life, my family, everything was thrown back into my face. I couldn't stop crying. I gave my life for this man and this was what he thought of me."
While she ignored the texts, it got worse, and even when she told him to stop, it just seemed to aggravate him even more.
'I made you, I can break you'
“He even started berating me on social media. He threatened he would have me lose my job. ‘I made you, I can break you’. Things got so bad I attempted suicide," Smith said.
"I took all the tablets in my house because I just wanted the harassment to stop. While I blocked him on all social media, he resorted to email. It was like it was never going to end."
Smith said she also attempted suicide another two times as people would question her on the social media posts and rants he made, knowing it was her.
“I went down a dark path. I did not want to live anymore. My work started suffering, his words continuously replayed in my head. My own family even turned against me because ‘he is not that guy’, and ‘I am making things up for attention’. My heart was broken," she said.
"No one wanted to believe me. My friends knew the truth. They saw the texts. He would ask questions, answer himself, and draw his own conclusions in under three minutes."
While she went down a dark path, she soon met friends who became the light at the end of the tunnel she needed.
“I was soon advised to seek the help of a counsellor, and it was the best decision I could have ever made. She made me realise I was in an abusive relationship. While we always think it can never happen to us, believe me, I never imagined I would be in an abusive relationship. Looking from the outside in, I could see how toxic it was,” Smith said.
She is now on a journey of healing.
“I distanced myself from those who did not believe me. My counselling sessions have been going great and I now know how to cope. I am starting to heal and it feels amazing," a victorious Smith said.
"I know being a woman of colour, it is frowned upon to speak to a professional, but I feel these generational curses need to be broken and we need to heal. We need to deal with our trauma and in turn, we grow and we glow."
IOL
*Name has been changed to protect her identity.
If you or someone you know is suffering from gender-based violence, contact the Gender-Based Violence SA hotline on 0800 428 428.
South African Depression and Anxiety Group - 0800 567 567
Childline - 116