A 25-year-old woman could be on her way to losing two friends after telling them they cannot stay with her during their visit from out of town.
For Jenna*, the issue is simply a case of not being comfortable with other people – including family and loved ones, staying over at her place; for her friends, who are a couple, it is a matter of her being selfish.
The situation has prompted the woman to question her decision and ask Redditors whether she is in fact an ‘a**hole’ for having this stance, even though her friends have arrived to spend time with her.
In her AITA (Am I the A**hole?) post on Reddit, Jenna explains that her friends moved to another province to study, and then decided to stay there after graduating. They have all kept in contact via text messages and video calls but have not seen each other in person since they moved.
The couple planned a two-week trip to the city in which she lives, and the three friends had chosen a number of things to do together in the time they are visiting. The problem, however, is that her friends – who have no family or other friends nearby, expected to stay at her place while there, and Jenna has no intention of allowing this.
“A day ago, when they arrived, we were talking and I asked them which hotel they picked. They were confused and Ana (26) asked what I meant. They thought they were going to stay at my apartment with me.
“We hadn't discussed where they would stay before they came here, and I assumed they knew they were going to stay at a hotel since they have never stayed at my home like that, and they know I don't let anyone stay over like that. Not even my parents or my boyfriend.”
Her friends thought that she would have changed her mind about this, but Jenna says she has not, and never gave them the impression that she had.
“I live in an apartment alone, and even though there isn't a guest room I have my old mattress that I could put in the living room or on my hobby room floor, or they could sleep on the couch. But I refused to do so or to pay or help pay for the hotel.
“They're both very annoyed with me and think I'm being selfish, but James (25) is furious. He thinks I am being ridiculous.”
Jenna says Ana accepted to pay for alternate accommodation but James refuses, saying that they either stay with her or go back home.
“They're staying at a hotel at the moment and we didn't do what we planned to yesterday. Ana texted me that she's trying to convince James to stay in the hotel, and maybe she will but, nonetheless, they both think I should change my mind.”
The woman explains that she does not allow people to stay over because she is uncomfortable with guests sleeping in her home, either while she is asleep or when she is away.
“I hate the idea of someone touching my things without my permission, or seeing something I'd rather they not see, or even stealing something. And they know that, but thought I had become more lenient about it.”
Jenna’s family say that, while it would be nice of her to allow Ana and James to stay over while visiting, they do understand that she is “neurotic” about such situations. And as she did not tell her friends – who know how she feels about this, that she had changed her mind, it would not be wrong of her to stick to her decision.
But what does the general public think? Well, her AITA question garnered 1 400 responses, and most of these support her stance.
“Inconsiderate, entitled people,” writes Smarterthntheavgbear.
“They ‘thought’ she had changed her mind? No. They thought they could throw a fit and bully her into changing her policy.”
Ramscales has “a lot of sympathy” for Jenna.
“I’m also hyper-private and do not like having guests, much less out-of-town overnight company. I get it — I am creeped out by the idea of someone being in my home or touching my stuff when I’m away. I’ve had to work (hard) at it, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve forced myself to be more willing to have overnight guests (not for 2 weeks, but for a few nights).
“I’m still not 100% comfortable with it, but I’ve just come to accept that it’s a social norm I need to make peace with to preserve some special relationships. [Jenna], I just want you to know that I get it and that at some point your position on this may change.”
That said, the respondent believes her two friends are gaslighting her.
“They knew she’d say no, that they’d be stuck with a big hotel bill, and they decided that they would just act like everyone assumed they’d be staying at her place all along and make it really awkward and uncomfortable for her to say no, to basically bully her into providing their crash pad. They purposely and deliberately didn’t have the conversation with her. I’m proud of her for standing her ground.”
Individual_Past_1198 agrees: “They absolutely assumed she'd cave. Airbnbs are very reasonable and for them to not even try shows their entitlement. If I was the OP (original poster) I’d let them go home. James especially sounds toxic.”
Many people who support Jenna say that two weeks is a long time to expect to stay with someone, even a person who was generally comfortable with family and friends staying over. They also criticise Ana and James for not at least checking to see first whether she had changed her feelings about people staying with her; they should not have assumed.
On the flip side of the coin, Redditors who feel Jenna is in the wrong, believe this to be the case because, if her friends were coming to visit her specifically, she should expect them to stay with her, at least for some of the time. Others say that she could have fished with James and Ana to see whether they had, in fact, booked accommodation.
Ultimately though, many commentators do feel that Jenna’s anxiety or neurosis needs to be respected. Whether she does have some sort of trauma or OCD or paranoia related to people staying in her home is “irrelevant”, believes Kurakaze.
“People are allowed to be weird. It has no bearing on this situation of people inviting themselves to stay 2 weeks in [Jenna’s] home without asking. [Jenna] is clearly NTA (Not the A**hole) here.
“A simple ‘I do not want people to stay overnight in my home’ is enough. You don't need to provide a reason. ‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
* Name changed