Sponsored by the abyss: Why a split-screen scrum could be rugby's villain origin story

COMMENT

I recall my soul departing my body. A little piece of me — or was it a rather large piece? — broke away from this mortal coil, swirling distressingly in my chest before vanishing as a sacrifice, not to the cricket gods, but to their antithesis: the commercial overlords.

It was a day back in 2008 when Danny Morrison, or someone of his ilk, first shouted at me that some batter in the IPL had just hit a "DLF Maximum" — the nomenclature that would henceforth be used for every six during the tournament. I knew then that the jig was up. Cricket would never be the same; it would become a thing of greed and money rather than pride and passion.

Another piece of me withered into the abyss a few years later when that commercialism began to touch Test cricket. On one auspicious day, SuperSport decided it best to overlay — I guess you can describe it as onomatopoeia — the sound ... TWACK! ... of a batsman striking the red leather in their slow-motion replays.

Now, I understand the modern world demands such commercialisation of almost everything — sex, drugs, and rock and roll are all victims — but I will admit it still pains me to see it happen. So, even though I understand the grim necessity of it, when the Six Nations do something similar on Thursday night in the opening match of the 2026 tournament between France and Ireland (kick-off 10.10pm) at scrum-time, I think my psyche might just shatter into pieces as a coping mechanism.

Our TVs might not subject us to the terror of an ad as the two sides pack down — it might be exclusive to the ITV broadcast — but I suspect we will feel it through the rugby force that binds us all together. When they do split the screen before the scrum sets, I suspect we will all sense a great disturbance, as if a million voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

I don’t know who the two major brands are, but I baulk at the puns that those watching will have to endure: "Stuck in a scrum at the bank? Use our app instead"; "Lock in your picks; bet with (insert leading online betting company here)"; "Don’t be outflanked by life; insure with us"... or something or other involving the legalities of a hooker.

Of course, none of this will (probably) be the case. And my rant is mostly tongue-in-cheek.

On Friday, the sun will rise in the east as surely as it will set in the west, the world will turn, and humanity will go about its business, both violent and beautiful. The game of rugby will survive, perhaps it will be even better off with the extra money such an endeavour will create.

But just because it will, doesn’t mean I have to like it.